Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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