I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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