I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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