when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
