I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
