Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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