put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
