why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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