Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
