He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
