he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
