My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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