drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
