Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
