Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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