Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
