Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
