Your mouth is God's brothel.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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