Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
