Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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