I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
