Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
