i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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