shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
