Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The uberlube is also flammable
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
