Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
