o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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