Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
