I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
