I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
