so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
