I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
