I need to stop coming to work sober
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
