glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
