Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
