Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
