The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
