Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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