It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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