I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
