I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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