Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
