My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
