That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
