i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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