sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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