You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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