I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
