I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
