it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
